Watch out for the post holiday crash!!

Economic Tips for Hard Times OR eat Your Heart Out Suze Orman

Even with the economy being in the dumps and jobs being scrapped in the tens of thousands per month, the company I work seems to be weathering all of this ok (knock wood/laminated particle board). I think all of their "margin improvement" strategies are paying off. Here are some things my employer is doing to save money:

Office supplies? What office supplies? It's BYO from here on out.

There is no such thing as a free lunch, literally.

No need to heat the bathrooms, we're only taking off our pants.

Two sick days have been revoked.

We are doing twice the work with half the staff.

I am doing my best not to drown in a sea of ennui regarding the economic blitzkrieg wrought upon us by deregulation and corruption (aka the subprime mortgage crisis). Here are some things I am doing to pitch in and do my part to shore up the economy:

I am spending (hemorrhaging) money like it is going out of style; new phones, new nails, Xmas presents, a TV, game system, and a massage.

I am taking a class so that I will be certified to take a second job wiping drooly geriatric chins (among other things) so that I can then throw my supplemental income directly into the failing auto industry and buy myself my own car.

I am helping to send my spouse through a technical training program for two years so that in the future he will be able to adequately participate in our spending frenzy.

"How," you ask, "Do you stay afloat with all that spending?" Glad you asked, my friend. It's called "debt," and anyone can get into it if they try hard enough--or even if they don't. It's a process by which you are allowed to take merchandise home that you have not yet paid for, without being prosecuted for shoplifting. My spouse and I, for instance, have in our possession many items that we have yet to pay for and we enjoy them very much. Even so, we do have a tendency to bring home new items before the previously acquired items have been paid for, which appears to be a mild side effect of "debt." The only time this practice becomes dangerous is when a member of the household is rendered jobless, in which case homelessness can ensue. Hence my concern around the financial health of my present employer...

Merry #%!+$@ Xmas! And don't eat the yellow snow!

The Crimiss is Coming!!!!!!!

Viva Pandora!

Is anyone else completely obsessed with Pandora Radio? Right now I am diggin' on some Portishead. I think later I will tune into some Dylan or Beck. This THING, whatever it is, is so smart it can, like, read my mind and knows what shit I like to listen to. Sweet jesus jelly beans I should send a fruit basket to their headquarters. (Mmmm fruit...)

 

Finally something makes me happy...

 

The sweet delerium of junk food is losing its power over me, so it's good to have a backup. Has anyone else gained a shit-ton of weight since around, oh, September 17th?? I for one am packing it on and I feel like a blob, I feel like those Mucinex characters from the snot commercials.

 

I would exercise if I had any ambition, but I am wiped out every day! I have to quit whining and just get back to work.... Easy to say while I am sitting on my ass in front of Facebook. Someone kick me, please.

Creepy Romance

Looks like Queen Hoochie of my suburb finally found a sweaty desperate middle aged white guy to call her own. She's been tossing her hair and giggling like a mental patient at every chubby balding asshole the whole time I've been riding the bus. Last month she honed in on this guy with one leg, and he wouldn't have anything to do with her. She's fairly dense and must have thought one leg=easy prey. But THIS guy, he can't get enough. He was glommed onto her with three points of contact the whole ride home tonight.

I was having fun imagining thought bubbles over their heads. His: "Like the moth to a flame, like the hairball to the carpet, I will hover tirelessly, never will you be able to scrub me off of you." Hers: "I pretend to be interested in you so that I do not drown in the abyss that once was my soul... or was it my vagina?"

I snapped a picture of them with my phone all sneaky and undercover like. Initially I had posted the photo after blurring their faces. I did that mostly so I can't be sued, but I'll tell you that I did it to salvage the last scrap of dignity that they were just going to plunder from each other anyway. Then officer Hubby read my blog and made me pull it down because he was freaking out over the subjects accidentally stumbling over it on the internet. Damn!

A Crass Thanksgiving

I am grateful:

...that I do not have to work holidays schlepping coffee, ringing up rich bastards' groceries, standing in the freezer counting pies, or re-hanging the same clothes over and over in a rank-ass fitting room.

...that I do not have to pay for my big screen TV till next year.

...that my hubby hacked my iPhone and I can modify the crap out of it.

...for my paycheck.

...that there's only 25 minutes till lunch.

 

If today were a person...

I'd punch it in the face!

Two Words...

FUCK YEAH!!!!!

VOTE!

For Obama, of course.  

Presidential elections make me anxious.  They didn't used to, but the last two elections were totally corrupt and left the Democratic candidates looking meek, impotent, feeble, incapable, and chickenshit.  Really, I am still so pissed I could throw the entire thesaurus in there and still not effectively express what I felt about the dems each time they conceded without fighting for a recount.  They didn't want to look like bad losers and hurt their political futures.  Well, Messrs Smartypants, nice job keeping up the momentum. See you soon on VH1's Where are They Now?

 

SO right now I'm a nervous wreck because I feel like the Republicans are going to pull out their bag of dirty tricks to help Maverick the Marionette and his pet Princess Prissy Pants of Weirdotown, Alaska. One possibility I can hope for is that the GOP might not be as fevered about McCain who is running on their ticket and at the same time insisting that he is against much of what they stand for.  But then again, he is still an aggressive proponent of the upward redistribution of wealth disguised in business growth rhetoric that the GOP loves so much.  

Tonight I'm staying up late to watch all the coverage and I took tomorrow off work so I can sleep in a little.  I like to watch the numbers roll in and I hope they run in Obama's favor!

I Love Halloween!

I Love Halloween!

 

I like to watch all the spooky movies, my all-time favorite being The Changeling with George C. Scott.  I love carving pumpkins, and I am going to try to talk my sick hubby into doing this tonight but he tends to be a bit of a spoil-sport when he's full of snot. And I am SO excited for the live Ghost Hunters marathon episode on Friday!

 

Last weekend we joined hubby's friend Nick and Nick's LTGF Kate to a Halloween haunted-house thing called "Scream Town."  I learned that I don't do any better with these now than I did as a child.  Even though it was pretty hokey I still had my hubby's hand in a vice grip and I even peed myself a little.  I'm sure Nick and Kate think I'm lame now, but I guess having creepy costumed people jumping out of the dark isn't for everyone.   

 

There were four features but I begged out of the third because it was just too much for me even watching from afar this chainsaw-wielding maniac chasing each group out of the exit.  Really I was done after the second one (where I peed), but got talked into going through the fourth attraction that was, for me, the worst of them.  Partially because my nerves were shot and I had a wet spot in my undies, but mostly because of the strobe lights and the narrow, 8-foot high, day-glo orange hazard fence maze full of horrible clowns that I had to squeeze past.  One of them wouldn't leave me alone even after I pushed his rubber nose in (I was warned earlier, "No touching ma'am").  Then I started to get dizzy and nauseated from the lights so Hubby escorted me out of the emergency exit with mister clingy-clown right on his heels.  Good times...

 

I always thought it would be the coolest thing ever to go ghost hunting with all the cameras and gadgets, but now after this weekend...  Although, real ghosts are less likely to wield chainsaws or wear rubber masks, so I still really want to try it! I'll just wear a leak guard. 

I love "F" words, especially "Ffffffr...

I love "F" words, especially "Ffffffrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiday!"

 

Today my direct supervisor came by to ask me to hit her with a question about our job that I might be afraid to directly ask senior leadership, and I couldn't think of anything.  She looked at me quizzically and asked, "You sure there's nothing on your mind?"  I told her there's plenty on my mind, but nothing I would ever be afraid to ask. I told her exactly what my concerns were around how company performance is going to play into our salary and bonuses for next year.  Why would I be afraid to ask that question? 

 

I've never been afraid to speak my mind to superiors, even to the point of getting myself into trouble.  I remember attending employee meetings at Whole Foods and all the cashiers would be pissed off about something and spout off about how they were "totally gonna bring it up in the meeting."  Of course no one would so I would appoint myself advocate and speak up.  And when the leaders would push it back to the group to see who else felt this way... crickets.  Bunch of chicken shits.

 

But not everyone has been telling people how it is since the minute they learned to talk.  Throughout my early r'epertoire you will find such hits as, "You have pimples ALL OVER your face!  Didn't you hear me? I SAID..." and "That lady is FAT!" and the oh-so-memorable encounter with the crazy lady on the bus with the enormous "Big Bird" sunglasses, "Look mom, a MOVIE star!"  You would think that I would have grown out of this, but no.  Fast forward to me at 15 in a blackout after drinking half a pint of Blue 100 sitting next to some guy at a party, "God, you have PUBIC hair growing out of your HEAD!" and laughing maniacally. 

 

Lesson learned: the courage to speak your mind is just as often a curse as it is a blessing.  In those moments I am still blessed with being in the presence of people with a great capacity for compassion who understand that I am just an idiot. Like that poor death-metal-loving-trench-coated soul I was harassing said to me, "Yeah, I get that a lot." From the whole blacked out night this is one of only a few episodes I remember and I felt like a total ass the next day.  Even now I'm lucky enough to have a husband who can tolerate my spouting off--to a point. 

 

So, you know, (gum smacking) I'm working on using my powers for, like, good instead of evil (envision me channelling Roseanne Barr there if you will). And I think it's especially useful at work because if I don't stand up for myself, who will? Granted I have to curb certain tendancies and exercise diplomacy that does not come naturally if I want to HOPE to keep my job.  

 

Without a job, Fridays are meaningless!
 

Sit On It, Wipe It, Flush It Down

I'm working in a building partly inhabited by people who are not properly toilet trained.  Every time I walk into a ladies' room on some floor other than the one I work on, I have to evaluate several stalls like I'm Goldilocks; this one's too poop-smeared, this one's too pissed on, this one's too clogged with fifty paper seat covers... Ah, this one's just right because the goddamn door doesn't close.  Corporate life is the shit!  That was a pun...

The Numbers Are In

I learned this week that our call volumes are up 600%.  No wonder I'm so tired and cranky and gained 10 pounds.  People have been pulled out of their regular jobs from across the company who used to work on phones as far back as five years ago to pinch hit for us.  Basically they will help reduce wait times, but we'll have a huge mess to clean up correcting all their errors.  And then it will be tax season, oh goody.

You would think I'd be feeling secure in my job right now from the high demand, except we are busy at the work of losing money hand over fist.  I'll likely be the violinist fiddling away as the ship goes down like those poor fucks on the Titanic.

Palin: about as smart as a box of hammers... only twice as chatty...

If she were interviewing her for a job, and this was her response, I don't think even Best Buy would hire her.

"Of course, we know what a vice president does. And that's not only to preside over the Senate and will take that position very seriously also. I'm thankful the Constitution would allow a bit more authority given to the vice president if that vice president so chose to exert it in working with the Senate and making sure that we are supportive of the president's policies and making sure too that our president understands what our strengths are...

"... our founding fathers were very wise there in allowing through the Constitution much flexibility there in the office of the vice president. And we will do what is best for the American people in tapping into that position and ushering in an agenda that is supportive and cooperative with the president's agenda in that position. Yeah, so I do agree with him that we have a lot of flexibility in there, and we'll do what we have to do to administer very appropriately the plans that are needed for this nation."

 

SOOOO Not Amused

I am freaking exhausted.  Every day I come into work it's the same story: (and Linka, I know you can appreciate this) there are anywhere from 20 to 120 calls waiting.  It lasts all day long, and to each one  I have to bear the same bad news, "No, we can't give you your money until we get it back from Reserve."  And not just the on the fund that broke the buck, but ALL of their funds are on lockdown, no money in, no money out.  Can you imagine??  Telling one caller after another that they or their client can't have their cash.  Holy shit.  I think I've been torn about 50 new assholes, I'm like a hunk of fuckin' swiss cheese over here, EASE UP.  

Though much to my surprise, many advisors are showing some level of compassion and have been cooperative on all the new transactional restrictions.  And some are even expressing some misplaced sense of camaraderie due to relying on us so heavily during this surrealist financial circus and have been throwing all propriety out the window.  They call up and speak to me in very familiar terms... if this were football they'd be calling me by my last name and slapping me on the ass... instead they're calling me "babe" and "hon."  Fuckin' odd.  And it's not just advisors, I had Dustin from the bond desk this morning say "I love you!" to me instead of "Have a nice day," or "Thanks for calling."  I guess desperate times call for desperate endearments.  Or something.

For the first few days in hell, good ol' Jim was feeding us free lunch, but that gravy train has screeched to a halt as of Tuesday.  Which, I guess, is fine with me seeing as how I've gained back 8 of the pounds I worked my ass off to lose and God knows I don't need any more freakin' pizza or Jimmy John's.  Mmmmmmm.... Jiiimmmmmyyyy Johhhhhhnnnnn's....  Clearly I'm not one of those people who lose weight when they're stressed!  If I was, I'd look like Nicole Richie.  I'd rather have chocolate, bottom line people.

Good lord, I just want this week to be over... Just ONE more workday... I think I can, I think I can, I think I can... Someone pass the cake frosting, I'll just eat it with a spoon.

Mortgage Hangover

The marketplace chaos is made up of a million little shitstorms. I've had the worst week ever at my job and it's all Lehman Bros' fault. One of the money market products my brokerage firm used was Reserve Funds, who were invested with bad Lehman debt securities to the tune of $785M and on Wednesday some of their funds broke the buck.

Which for clients of the firm means that if they had $1000 sitting in cash on Tuesday, when they woke up on Wednesday they had $970. And on Thursday they had $950. CASH. How do you lose cash?  Who knew that a money market could tank? I guess we all do now.

What exacerbated the issue was some apparent insider trading, so our company is suing the Reserve Funds. They were gonna break the buck anyway, but leaking it ahead of time really killed it.

Since Wednesday I've been fielding calls from anxious advisors about what in the hell they are supposed to tell their clients. Well, it's going to have to be the truth Guy, they lost cash. It's gone. Sure there might be a settlement, but we started doling out checks last week on an SEC ruling that was handed down in 2005. Three and a half years passed before people had their accounts restored in that case. So long, in fact, that they now have no idea what these checks are for. This money market situation is likely to be much the same. So, Guy, your client did effectively overbuy mutual funds by $31,500. Yes, really. Sure, I know the money was there when you placed all their trades, but on settlement day the money just wasn't there anymore. Sorry....

Over the past few months I've seen people scrambling for the relative safety of CDs, but even those aren't granting absolute sanctuary. Indymac being a perfect example. Good thing they were FDIC insured. If they didn't learn any time in the past they know now to go straight for the FDIC insured cash.

Economists, bloggers, and people on the bus are predicting that we're on the verge of another Great Depression.  The only things missing are the breadlines and orphanages filled to the brim with abandoned children.  Unless, of course, you look at Nebraska's current situation with their Safe Haven law which has encouraged several parents to abondon a total of 14 children at hospitals, and of course the $700 billion breadline that every financial firm in the country has queued up for.  Hmm, do I smell financial ruin?

The Dust Settles

Our landlady raised the rent on our poor asses just as we were trying to get everything together to get Hubby into school.  It was enough to prompt us to move:$95 a month.  Is that bitch crazy? Yes.  

Everything she told us when we initially moved in proved to be complete fabrication.  She said she wanted to get away from renting to students because they turnover so fast and do more damage to the property so she would prefer to rent to professionals like us.  But every apartment that turned over in the year we lived there--which would be every single one of them--was rented to groups of students.  She said she wasn't a slumlord and that if something wasn't working or up to code to tell her right away and she would fix it... give or take six months!  And last but certainly not least, she said she valued us as clients and appreciated the care we took in the apartment--but she sure didn't try to retain our tenancy.  And who is now living in our old place? You guessed it, a herd of students.

Meanwhile, we took a deal on a little sheetrock box apartment in the suburbs: "look and lease" and you get the first month of rent free.  It worked out swell financially.  It's cheaper with more amenities and is still within a half mile of the bus going into the city.  It's an apartment complex, which I hold in the same esteem as a trailer park, but I'm starting to get over it.  It's maintained really well and the view is freaking spectacular off of our little 10'x6' deck.  And it's so quiet I can actually hear my TV.

But I'm already homesick for my grownup looking apartment with all the beautiful woodwork and buffet and new kitchen and bath fixtures.  I miss than no one will be able to "drop in" on the way to someplace anymore.  My sister Alyssa and my brother Mike ganged up on me, chastised me, and called me a loser.  I could just cry. But such is life, this wasn't the first time I had to pack up and get out of an apartment I liked so I'll adjust.

Hey, you know, I just cheered myself up remembering that I took the next week off to avoid the Republican National Convention.  Fuckin' republicans.  But now living out here in the 'burbs I don't have to deal with it at all!  Nice.

I had a dream last night that some evil brute was walking through a camp full of sleeping guys and bashing each person's head open in turn. I also dreamt about that sickeningly cute kid on The Wonder Years. In the dream I met his sister and asked her what the hell they were telling him to get him to gaze into the camera with that dopey dazed look and she said that someone would make a vulgar hand gesture like "the shocker" or something. What is wrong with my head?

Stag Party

This evening we discovered that our back yard is literally crawling from end to end with stag beetles.  I had no idea that a bug this big would live this far north.  Or in the city.  Or in my yard.  EEEEWWW! 

And no, we're not that brave, we totally swiped this pic off the net.

Reflection on Fashion

Emo is Goth light.

Miguelito Having Fun With Photobooth

OMG I woke up this morning and in the mirror staring back at me was a boiled lobster! IDIOT! I spent all day in the nice warm sun, it was in the mid-sixties, breezy, I didn't even think of sunscreen. It's like I forgot what happens when the sun comes out. My face, chest and right arm got it the worst, the rest of me was either shaded or covered by clothes. And there's a little white spot on my chest from... just guess what... the shadow of my nose. Crying out loud. I've been slathering myself in 99% aloe gel so I hope this heals up fast. I, apparently, was the only person in this entire 14 story office building who went outside this weekend because everyone is looking at me like they've never seen a sunburn before, much less had one. I feel like a sideshow, "Step right up! See the amazing half-lobster girl!"

Hubby and I biked several miles to a May Day festival to see the parade and meet up with some friends. We really had a good time-- Hubby more so than me because he was tall enough to actually see the parade. I, on the other hand, got to see a couple inches here, couple inches there peeking between the people in the crowd. The streets of the parade route were lined with people three and four deep, so we just hung back a little with our bikes on one of the intersecting streets. Hubby took like 500 pictures with his iPhone, I hope he got some good ones. He took some pictures with my phone that didn't exactly capture the event, like, hey nice shot of that guy's hairy forearm. Thanks.

I haven't been to May Day in a few years, and yesterday I remebered why. Not only can you not drive within two square miles, but even biking is a hassle and we ended up walking our bikes through throngs of people. The parade is always super awesome and creative with handmade papier mache masks, huge figures, and floats, but once the parade ends, everyone goes to the festival and it's just choas. There are no activities, there's some sort of reenactment with a boat being pushed across the pond. There are a couple food vendors, hour-long lines for the porta-potties, kids running in wild naked packs, and people just sort of mill around the park juggling or hoola-hooping or trancing out on the grass.

Ultimately we decided to go to a nearby cafe, which, thankfully, was not at all crowded and whose outdoor seating was in the shade. So we sat around listening to each other's funny stories from the last couple months, my favorite being my BFF's sister's recounting of having a major fit of sneezing with a mouth packed full of watermelon--I'll be adding THAT to the list of things I think are funny. Anyway, time to put my rudolph nose back to the grindstone!

On The Leash

I'm at work, but I'm not really "into it" today. Am I ever? I guess sometimes... I'd really rather be home though. You know what would make work better? If I could move around!

Maybe I should buy one of those little bicycle pedal do-dads that just sit on the floor and I could pedal from my chair. OR it would also be cool if my seat was bungeed to the ceiling so I could bounce around. And from time to time, there are certain calls for which I would prefer to be upside down as this would allow my body to be aligned with my eyeball position.

I'm drinking Honest Tea Green Dragon Tea... It looks like lake water in August and I gotta tell you, it doesn't taste any better. Ack. I think it's smoothie time.

Two Wheels Are Better Than Four... So Are Six... Or Ten

Lately there have been so many articles in the news about rising gas prices and consumers being pissed off about it. It seems clear in my simple mind that the solution would be to drive less, but what do I know? I mean, no one forced these assholes to live in some suburban cul-de-sac in the far reaches of the urban sprawl zone. Riding the bus into downtown each morning I look out the window at the highway; one hulking mass of vehicle following the other, each carrying ONE occupant, and not a one of them getting past second gear.

If they're going broke they have no one to blame but themselves. They should all be abandoning their autos at the city limits-- drive to the park and ride, drive to the bike way! Better yet, live near the place you work... for Christ's sake people! (And that's not taking the Lord's name in vain in this context because the Pope recently declared polluting a sin.) They're spending hundreds of dollars each month ONLY because they're selfish, self-absorbed, and think somehow that they are too good to ride a bike or a bus. But come the rapture, they'll be the first to perish in the pyre and heaven only has bus stops and bike parking.

Season of the Shit-Storm

Tax season has finally passed us and I am now able to begin to pick up the tattered scraps of my sanity and move on. It was my first tax season and it sucked harder than a Catholic school-girl on a banana in front of her math teacher. Bitch-bitch-bitch day in and day out. All I did for the first two weeks of April was eat, sleep, and work. I got run down, got the flu, got stir crazy, got REAL cranky.

Then the SUN CAME OUT. I got to JOG--twice! I went for a really long bike ride for which my ass is still paying. I took a prescheduled sick day in the middle of the week. By golly, I feel nearly human again! And now I have a random three day weekend to look forward to, might be a waste of a PTO day, but fuck it. A day away from the phone is a day away from the phone.

The Weather Channel is predicting low-mid 50s for the whole weekend. Not what I'd call pleasant, but not quite cool enough too keep me holed up indoors in front of the TV set. I think another ridiculously long bike ride is in order... no idea where the hell I'd go, but I bet I can think of something. Maybe bike through the east side ghetto over to my mom's if I feel brave. Nah, I'm too scared of little thuglets packing heat who loiter on the corners, and most of my city's convicted sex offenders live in that zip code. Ok, so not the smartest idea I ever had, but now that I've had it I won't have it for the first time on Friday and think it's a good idea.

Gaaaaawd I don't want to go to work tomorrow, I have too keep reminding myself "It's a paycheck it's a paycheck." SO until next time America"... just kidding.

Post-Fever Delerium, or Things Only I Think are Funny

Calling my hubby Mr. McPancakes
The mental image of a man with juicy raisins stuck all in his hairy butt crack
Sitting quietly next to someone you know and suddenly shouting "Boo!" at them and making them jump
Watching people fall down
Pantsing people and slapping their cheeks
Watching dudes walk and thinking about their flaccid weiners wagging around in their trousers
Conversing with people who are talking in their sleep
Talking in the voice of Stan's older sister Shelly (South Park) in public
Narrating what the dog in the car ahead of ours might be thinking

TBC.....

Aaack!

I feel like poooop! I hate being sick. I caught a nasty chest cold. I don't get these very often, but when I do I just want to sleep till it's over but I can't sleep. I hate that I have to go to work Monday because I've had too many unexcused absences and I don't want to get fired. Remember when I played hooky last April? Here's my punishment.

My other absences were justifiable. I went to the in-house nurse because I had red streaks coming off a bug bite near my eye-and, frankly, I'm fuckin pissed that that hour counted against me. Another day my broken tooth broke more so I left to go to the dentist. Then in January I called in on the day it was 40 below.

Ugh! I hope I get better tomorrow. I feel like a five year old whining and moping. I look like hell, I smell bad, I'm too hot and then I'm cold, everything aches, and I'm SO SICK of watching TV.

Hey Rach:

DURR.

OT

Whew! All this hosting is wearing me out! I had my birthday party, the next weekend I made a salmon for lunch for my brother and his dad, and then I made a pot roast the next weekend for the in-laws. I think I'm done for now. These last few weekends have made me more tired than my work week. I decided to relax this weekend by working a shit-ton of overtime. I must be crazy. Now that I'm thinking about having to get up again tomorrow and head off to work, I'm suddenly worried about who's going to clean the bathroom?? I've been cleaning it every week for company and now that no one is coming by, how is this task going to be accomplished? Who's going to pick up and dust and sweep?? I think I'll delegate these chores to Hubby, though his follow through is half-assed at best. If he were my employee, he'd have been fired long ago. But he puts out every so often so I guess I'll keep him around.

Hollywood, Here I Come. Not

I quite enjoyed the mock calling, I hope I get to do that again. I am apparently quite good at being pushy and disorganized and my improvisation was complimented by the trainers I gave feedback to. I was dialing in to the training center in the Philippines from my cube and my neighbors around me were like, "you're terrible!" No I'm not, I'm realistic! I used my innate acting talent to tap into the general conciousness of an overworked assistant. I think I should act!

Probably not.

Tonight I am going to a community theater presentation of some Czech political farce that my sister in law is acting in. I can't wait to see it, I love theater. I should say I love PLAYS. I really don't like musicals, so I can't be considered a "lover of theater." Which is fine cuz some of those people are real weird.

Ohhhh the IRONY...

I have been selected by my boss to participate in mock calls to help train new overseas associates! the directive is to be PUSHY, DISORGANIZED, DEMANDING. Hahaha! How absolutely DELICIOUS! Although, the directive does specifically say we are not to bring any of the agents to tears. Boooo! Thumbs down! I'm excited to act out all the shitty calls I get each week, it will be cathartic.

I had a party!

Hubby and I have never been able to entertain before so this is a huge deal! Here's why: our first place together was big and ugly, the space was akward, the traffic was loud, and we had just two horrid hand-me-down armchairs for seating. Plenty of room for standing around if you didn't mind shuffling through the mail and newspapers all over the floor. We were stuck there for two years because we couldn't save up to move. We also were late on the rent every month for almost two years so they wouldn't renew our lease. Still broke, we rented an extra bedroom form a family friend for three months. Couldn't really entertain in a 10 by 10 foot bedroom piled with boxes. Then we moved into a one-bedroom, but it was 300 square feet and we only had a love seat to sit on. We did try to have people over there, but we'd go cross-eyed from having to look at each other so close. I wish I was exaggerating.

Now we have the most awesome place on earth with a furnished sunroom, living room and dining room to hang out in, so having people over totally rocks! I had a birthday party for myself with Hubby, mom and her hubby, and my married brother and his wifey. It was fun! I got presents and chocolate cake, I fed them gourmet veggie pizzas, and red wine got spilled all over the place, it was totally great!

Dear Britney,

My heart goes out to you for the terrible time you've been having. As if it weren't bad enough not knowing your up from your down, you're stalked 24/7 by the paparazzi salivating to get a shot of you in just such an upside-down moment. It's gotten so bad that it seems from the outside that you don't even know that you have the right to some privacy, what with you shacking up with a notorious heart-breaking paparazzo who, by the way, has publicly referred to you as his "meal ticket."

What I'm trying to say is, you need a time out. No more low-speed chases and running red lights and crashing into other peoples' expensive vehicles. I know that staying indoors is excruciatingly boring, especially when you are so used to having an entourage and 100 noisy, clamoring photogs pushing you in every direction. Even so, you definitely need some down time.

Being that this is next to impossible for you to accomplish right this moment, I have some good suggetions on taking the heat off--you may not like them, but here goes... If there's one thing the paps have NO interest in, it's a fat girl. Put down the exercise videos and lay off your trainer. No one fades into Hollywood obscurity faster than an overweight woman. I'm not suggesting you sacrifice your health, just relax your standards a little. If you're REALLY feeling inspired, put out a truly terrible "experimental" album. If you don't know what I mean, give Diamanda Galas a call, she's probably listed (not to be confused with Diamante and Galant which are made by Mitzubishi, which you also may not have heard of).

Like magic you will be much less photogenic, your head will bring a lower price and there will be fewer paps. Of course the die-hards that want to watch you completely flip out will still be hanging around, so what you can do to lose them would be to be a super-boring, normal-26-year-old-mom-of-two type. Wear underwear, lose the extensions and the "gentelmen's club" blonde. Ditch the enormous sunglasses (SOoo 2006 anyway, right?) Go to your court hearings for Pete's sake, those babies need their mommy. And finally, obey the traffic laws.... and.... TAH-DAH!! You will have enough physical space to work out whatever is going haywire in your mental space. It may not be intuitive, but sometimes the best course is the change how you act in order to change how you think.

Daily Grind, Finger Weapons, and Happy B-Day 2 Me

I can't believe I haven't blogged in like 800 years. I've got my daily routing nailed down so tight I wonder when I'm going to snap. I don't even have time to fuck around between calls at work anymore! Do they expect me to WORK for every PENNY? Jeez.

I never thought I'd be such a creature of habit, but since I've been on the weight loss wagon I'm a slave to my schedule. At work I barely get enough break time to eat and pee throughout the day, and at home I have just enough time each day to exercise, eat, address hygeine issues, and sleep. I haven't even plucked my eyebrows in three weeks and I look like a werewolf. I somehow had time to file my nails last week, though I don't know why since I've been clipping them completely off for years now. I guess it was because I hadn't even had time to clip 'em and they grew really long and mangled looking and I somewhere stumbled across a filing/buffing board I didn't know I had and I was overtired and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But now the edges are curling over and I'm afraid I'm gonna poke out my eye.

The upshot this grueling, unrelenting routine is that as of this morning I have lost 21 pounds. I was in a holding pattern for almost all of January and I was getting pissed off, but I finally busted through it. Now I'm aaaaalmost back on track to where I projected I'd be by now. I wanted to be 221 by my birthday--the 15th--so I think I'll be pretty close.

On the 15th I will be 33. I will also be in Chicago! Fuckin sweet! My sister owns a condo there and I guess she lives in kind of a hoity-toity area, I'm excited to see it. She's lived out there for like five years and I've never gone out to visit her. Not because I'm an asshole, but because I've been so damn broke. It's nice to be able to travel a little finally.

Wanna see what I got myself for my birthday? I added to my tattoo!



Here's the before...

Tinsel-town gossip time...

How much you wanna bet K-Fed is Jamie Lynn's baby daddy?