Monday, July 21, 2014

Time machine: 2005 riding the 21 going to work

It's a random afternoon in 2005 I'm riding the notorious 21 bus down East Lake Street going to work. Sitting across the aisle from me is a young, white, nondescript mom with her beautiful daughter all of about three years old. The little girl's skin is the color of caramel and she has her super curly hair pulled up into two golden brown pompoms above her ears. She's sitting on her mom's lap and trying to learn to sing the chorus of Eminem's "Cleanin' out my closet". Whenever she stumbles on the lyrics her mom helps her out by singing the lyrics slowly and clearly, like she's teaching her the ABC's. Then the girl starts over from the top. This goes on for a good ten minutes when the girl's attention is drawn outside to the people on the street, and suddenly she's wiggling and giggling, pointing out the window at some young guys saying, "Look momma - there go MY man!... There go MY man!" And then as we pass a dusty old man, she exclaims, "Momma, there go YOUR man!" while laughing the bubbliest three-year-old's laugh you ever heard.  By this time I'm having difficulty keeping it together on my side of the bus, so I have to look away and out my side of the window to snicker quietly to myself.  Then, almost by way of apology, she starts singing again, "I'm sorry maaaama, I never meant to hurt yooouu, I never meant to make YOU cry so tonight I'm cleanin' out mu'clawset." The next minute, she was back to peering out the window and picking out total weirdos for her mom and giggling, "Oooh look momma, there go YOUR man!"

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Things that cause obesity based on stuff I've read in the last year

Overeating
Lack of physical activity
High fructose corn syrup
Refined (white) sugar
Natural sugar
Artificial sweeteners
Red meat
Saturated fat
Trans fat
Animal fat
Fast food
Convenience food
Restaurant food
Dairy products
Wheat/gluten products
Carbohydrates
Vitamin deficiencies
Calcium deficiency
Malnutrition
Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS)
Insulin resistance
Metabolic disorder
Obesity “virus”
Genetic predisposition
Plastic leaching (pre-pack & canned foods)
Hormones produced by fat around the stomach
Hormone imbalance
Synthetic hormones
Mental illness 
Psychiatric medications
Chronic insomnia/sleep disorders

So, basically, everything but cancer.  In fact, you could say that cancer is the only known cure for obesity, but then you’d be as crass as me. 

If you’re as round and squishy as me, then you know how IMPOSSIBLE it is to control everything on this list. And if you ARE me, which I AM, you just wrote this list while sitting on your butt eating fried chicken tenders dipped in honey-mustard with a diet coke. Here’s to losing the battle - cheers!!







Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I got FB un-friended (:^[

I have done my fair share of cutting people loose. I got sober and abandoned my party friends. I refused to carry on friendships with my exes. I even turned my biological father away after meeting twice because he's about 3 cans short of a sixer. So really it's nothing at all for me to un-friend someone on FB for being obnoxious or ignorant. I don't have time for people's drama and I try really hard not to make my own.

Despite this, I was hurt when someone recently un-friended me on FB. It's not like it hasn't happened before. I'm not exactly Miss Popularity, I'm way too opinionated for that. But this time was different because it was someone I spent time with in the real world. Like, frequently. And recently. Someone I was friends with in parochial school, who walked me to school and brought me Tootsie Pops. The same person I had lunch with on Fridays for most of the last year. I even invited my husband along on our hangouts, which, admittedly was super awkward the first couple times. But then we all ate German food, and they talked about beer, so I thought all was well. After my friend got a new job, I didn't get a call or text for a while, so I reached out.  I got a pretty blase response. Then poof, no more friend in my list.

You know, now that I think about it, I have been dumped by friends before. But in those cases, I deserved it because I was a shitty friend and a slutty drunk. And the friends that dumped me did not hesitate to tell me why they were closing the door on me. I respect that.

If you've read this blog, you know I have a penchant for being blunt (in every sense), but I'm certainly not an asshole anymore. So... why? What did I do? Was it karmic? My values? And why am I sitting here wondering why?? I put myself out there, no reservations, but I guess people just disappoint you sometimes. What can I do? (Other than blog about it, which is cathartic, if not productive.) My days of chasing people down and trying to convince them to be my friend are long over. I have actual friends. People who accept me and love me, black heart and all.

As bewildered as I am about being shorted a friend, it reminds me how grateful I am for the people who want to be part of my life.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Just another winter day

SNOW! I have been in transit for an hour and a half and am still not downtown yet. Regardless of how slow this bus is moving it's better than driving in this crap. Minnesota is known for being hardcore for winter. Well, let it be known: we're so hardcore we don't even plow for rush hour after 6 inches of snow. 

I just read the other day that The Weather Channel voted Minneapolis the most persistently cold of all the US cities. We beat Anchorage fucking Alaska!! Pretty cool, huh?! See what I did there?

Sunday, January 12, 2014

I somehow aged 40 years since September

It started with an achy ankle.  Then an achy knee.  I thought maybe I was sitting in a funny position for too long.  But then my other ankle chimed in.  And my other knee, my elbows, wrists, knuckles, and shoulders. I'd never eaten so much ibuprofen in my life.  My doctor said it was viral arthritis... but I hadn't had a virus.  This went on for a month.

The exact minute I stopped feeling like the Tin Man, I started having wheezing and, like, a goose-honking in my chest.  I went back to the doc and was told it was bronchitis... and I still hadn't been sick.  Whenever I moved around too much I made a wheeeeeeeeee noise.  Not as fun as it sounds. Of course I got a nasty cold on top of it too.

Two months later I hesitate to say I'm almost better.  When I have a good day, I'm like, "there's something missing..."

So yeah, three months of WTF.  And because I am now 40 years older, I feel compelled to talk about the condition of my health all the time.  I watch TV in my slippers all day.  That is, my husband's slippers.  And actually I watch Portlandia on Netflix and YouTube videos of unlikely animal friends.  My recent fave is a chocolate lab and an armadillo (http://youtu.be/PREsgySYnBI).  Also I sleep a lot.  It's pretty much the highlight of my existence lately.

Now that I'm 85% human it's been brutally cold, as in -20F, so I have had -20% interest in leaving the house.  The poor dog didn't poop for two days because it was too cold to stay out there long enough to do hi biz.  He was so miserable and whiny.  I finally took two pairs of my own socks and tied them to his feet with ponytail holders.  And I folded my fleece throw, laid it over his back, and pinned it together in the front like a kid's imaginary superhero cape, except brown and fleece.  It worked like a charm!  Two poops!

This "polar vortex" killed my car battery  for a day and a half.  It finally warmed up to -9F and my car magically started, but then driving around to charge it up, I realized I couldn't get past 1st gear.  The hoses for my transmission fluid cracked and it all leaked out.

Today it finally got up to 30 and it felt like being in the Bahamas! I was suddenly stricken with a major case of cabin fever and HAD to get OUT of the HOUSE!!  I pulled myself together, packed up my knitting supplies, and headed for the door and... no keys.  My husband moved my car so he could get out of the driveway, and the wanker took my keys with him!  I felt trapped and began clawing the walls!  Not really, I just decided to walk to the coffee shop.  I headed out all defiant and annoyed.  The first quarter mile was victory!  Then my hubby drove by and picked me up.

I spent the afternoon knitting at the Black Sheep, drinking chai, and eating banana bread while intermittently chatting with my barista friend.  Then I went home and knit some more.  Now I'm doing this, so we're all caught up.

Monday, August 26, 2013

WIRED

I'm never going to get to sleep.  I've been suffering from RESTLESS LEGS SYNDROME suddenly.  It's like having low voltage coursing through my muscles.  Ever accidentally touch an electric cattle fence?  It's pretty much exactly like that.  The internets say caffeine could be a culprit.  Does chocolate ice cream have caffeine?  I may have sabotaged myself with dessert.

My eyes are bleary, but my booty wants to boogie.  My legs think they're pogo sticks.  My knees are gettin jiggy with it.  While RJD2 is possibly the BEST soundtrack for restless legs I ever heard, it's not helping me mellow out for bed. F!

Sunday, August 04, 2013

Reggie Watts: what the fuuuuu...?

Engaging, but brain bending. He's funny AND I don't get it. He commits to it like he has a Tim Gunn to his head. I think I could become obsessed with metamodernism but I'm already sick of it. I think watching him before bed is going to turn out to have been a bad idea.  I'm so confused!!!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

A Sasquatch's Guide to Summertime Stinkyfeet

If you're a Sasquatch like me, then you probably feel the same conflicting emotions I do at the return of warm weather: jubilation for sunshine and outdoor activities, dread for the stinky-ass feet and countless episodes of foot-shame. 

Over the years I've learned a few tricks...

1. Ventilation! No, not rolling down the car windows or leaving your shoes outside. SANDALS. If you are just a junior Sasquatch, this might solve most of your issues straight off the bat. But if you're full-on abominable read on...

2. Not just any sandals will do. Suede, microfiber, and really fabric in general is not your friend. You need sandals that you can wear in & out of water. Choose whatever brand makes you happy so long as the shoes have an impermeable man-made footbed. 

Why? They are SO much easier to keep clean!! I'm a daily sandal wearer in summer and my Birkenstock years were my stinkiest (the unshaven pits weren't helpingI'm sure ). The combination of suede and cork were a double whammy since neither hold up to water.  The sandals I describe, however, only need to be washed once or twice a week, and if you keep them clean your feet will be almost stink-free. 

There are all kinds of sandal soaps out there but FORGET 'em--they're expensive, have awkward-to-use bottles, and don't even work. I've heard of people using bleach water solutions, but I'd pass on that since it'll damage the shoes and it won't remove grime. The shoe guy at REI uses laundry detergent and puts his sandals in the machine on delicate, but he must not be as much of a Sasquatch as he looks because this method didn't work for me at all. 

Here are 2 things that will actually clean the grit & kill the microbial Bigfoot shiz off your shoes...
A) Dawn dish soap. If it's good enough to wash crude oil off of birds, it's good enough for me. Just use a soft-bristle dish washing brush to scrub up your sandals. This cleans the whole kit-n-caboodle nice and gently, but requires a fair amount of dry-out time. 

B) Clorox anti-bacterial cleaning wipes work amazingly well if you're in a pinch, traveling, or just lazy like me. You win on having nil for dry-time, but it won't clean the straps. 

3. Should you be compelled to wear regular shoes without socks though you be a stink-foot, then only buy shoes with removable insoles. I've found a lot of shoes have foam rubber insoles glued to the bottom of the shoe and are easy enough to pluck out without wrecking anything. You will want to do this so you can pull them out and wash them! The best ones are found in running shoes so I keep the inserts even after the shoes wear out. Wash these in the laundry in HOT after each time you wear them - just like you would your underwear! Which is why I recommend keeping spare pairs from old sneakers. 

I hope this moment of TMI helps prevent some other poor Sasquatches out there from feeling the humiliation that comes with smelly feet! Go forth and walk with confidence!!

~Cristini P, Sasquatch











Friday, June 21, 2013

Digital Dating Games

A hilarious description of modern dating!


LMAO! I'm sure glad I didn't have to date in the era of texting/Facebook. "In my day" (said in granny voice) we had to lie to each others' faces, pretend to be inebriated, &/or slip out the back door. We also screened our calls, played phone tag, or just stood each other up! Those were the good old days when we couldn't send each other pictures of our private parts because if you brought the film to the photomat to develop, it'd get confiscated. We had to actually take our pants off in front of someone with the lights on!