Life's a bitch

The Newtown, CT shooting stuff is getting to me. Instead of going down the path of "Life's a bitch and then you die; fuck the world, let's get high", I'm going instead to "Life's a bitch and then you die; fuck the world, let's watch cat videos on YouTube." Meantime, the hubby is on the beer train to Sentimental Town.

Some mean shit I wrote

So I was perusing the Bookface, as I am wont to do, and one of my friends liked or commented on a photo of a plus-sized model, Tara Lynn something, so I felt obliged to check it out. This was not the best idea. I guess I was expecting it to be some sort of chick-friendly, empowering type of page... but no, it was one of those pages that are just full of random crap that thousands of people follow for reasons mystifying to me. Instead of people saying awesome things about different ways to be beautiful people were slinging snide shit from top to bottom. It made me so mad I felt like reaming someone out. So I let them have it:

"I'll admit I'm surprised - though I know I shouldn't be - that the vast majority of you adult men and women are unable to appreciate beauty in any other form than what is being marketed to you as a consumer. Most of the comments on this thread have left me heartsick with disgust at your callous rhetoric. My only comfort is knowing that whatever terrible things you have decided are true of this figure, you have also decided are true of yourself; you have given yourself no room to self-actualize because you have committed yourself to an impossible standard of beauty. Your body and soul will never be united, you will be forever conflicted. I, however, am able to appreciate a diverse spectrum of beauty, and I am able to see those facets of beauty reflected in myself. I know this blurb will not reach through the negative, jangling, cacophony that fills your thoughtless minds, but I feel better having expressed my disdain for your vapid discourse."

Recent strange dreams

Dream 1:
Utterly terrifying dream of dying. I was a passenger in a little red hatchback and my friend's mom was the driver. There was a giant sink hole that had appeared in my neighborhood and we had just narrowly missed driving into it due to the road being washed out, but as we rounded another curve she didn't have with enough time to react and we went over the edge of the 30-or-so story pit. Instead of waking up, I felt the freefall and watched the ground rushing up at me. I squeezed my eyes shut and said "I don't want to know!" (what it's like to die). In an instant I felt weightless and rising. It was quiet. Then I heard my own heavy breathing and realized I'd woken up. I had a really hard time going back to sleep.

Dream 2:
I was eating a "Cyborg Burger: nutrition and nanotechnology in one". Did a fast food joint figure out how to produce food with no nutrition that makes the body believe it's being nourished? Or was it made of products we normally can't digest so the little nanos do it? Scary I idea.

What do I want?!

I just have to put this out into the Universe: I want a career doing something I love. That's not to say that I know what I want to do. There's lots of things I love. I love blogging, traveling, crafting, painting, sleeping... Out of all those things I'm really only good at sleeping.

The reason I want to put this notion out into the ether is that I am I dissatisfied with my current career path. Which is not to say that I'm ungrateful - I am happy to be employed in this economy. But it's like a pair of golden handcuffs; I am finally making a living wage, but I'm not anywhere near gainful employment. I feel undervalued and I'm not making enough to pay my minimum student loan amount.

I have learned a lot about leadership & that is truly inspiring, but the environment is sterile. I don't like anyone I work with and I cringe at their FB pics & statuses. I find myself mentally correcting their grammar all day. I feel like I am becoming a jaded asshole.

Yet, no matter how much I dread showing up there each day, it's one of the best jobs I've ever had. I feel like I don't deserve anything else - shit, I feel like I don't even deserve THIS.

I am hoping to wake up some day soon with balls big enough to go out & get what I need, want, deserve, and love!! So, Universe, do your stuff but please don't make it hurt.

Last night I dreamed I was trying to figure out how to log into my new vagina

Interface much?
Sometimes I feel like my real life is being replaced piece by piece with virtual interface. Instead of calling people I communicate via text or FB. I can't afford to travel so I tour places across the globe with Google maps street view. I don't write in a diary, I blog. I have no space at home to create anything big so I create digital images in PhotoShop, Illustrator, MS Paint. I read the news online, and books on an e-reader like everyone else.

Here are some things I still do in the real world. I have a living dog who needs actual food, water, exercise, and attention to survive. I knit little cup cozies. I go to work. The yard & garden I occasionally tend to grows completely out of control due to the fact that none of my neighbors come by and take care of it for me when they're bored in the middle of the night.

Keeping a diary supports personal development

I have been keeping journals since the age of 12, on & off. Mostly on. Not always regularly, but in pretty consistent spurts. Because I've been doing it do long I can't say for certain whether it has ENCOURAGED my personal development, but it has definitely supported it.

Over all the years and phases I've gone through I've recorded almost everything about myself - for good or ill. Mostly I've recorded ill. But the gift I've gotten from all the bitching, complaining, bemoaning, grieving, and occasional celebrating is PERSPECTIVE. I can't necessarily pick out exact moments of growth but I can see over time the progress to becoming the person I am at this moment. And a moment from now I'll be ever so slightly different.

Personal development is a recurring theme in my life at the moment. Specifically, "what is my purpose in life?" I have no idea, and I'm truly bothered that I have no idea. I frequently feel like a directionless slob. I can find fulfillment in my job if I'm focused & grateful and cognizant of the fact that it does line up with my values concerning security & safety. My boss & peers are supportive & collaborative. But mostly I'm miserable and constantly feel shame that I resent having to work a corporate day job. What makes me so damn special that I should be entitled to anything more?

What I really crave is creatively fulfilling work. But I also yearn for steady, gainful compensation. I fantasize about having both but I have absolutely NO idea what I would do or how to make it materialize.

I decided after hearing the tag line I used as the title and subject of this post that I'll jump back into keeping a diary like I used to. I'll vent and purge and repeat myself over & over until I get so sick of myself I'll start moving in a different direction.

I have a whole series of self-imposed barriers that are holding me back and making me miserable. Lately the biggest obstacle has been periods of depression. Not like sadness & self pity, but like exhaustion and feeling completely overwhelmed and unable to get off the couch. Also I noticed in the last year that I have a terrible attention span and inability to focus and get things done. I could blame it on the passing of my father in law 6 weeks ago, or my mother in law 11 months before that, or my grandma's passing 14 months before that... While grieving is a valid reasons to be down, I tend to be down whether people are passing or not. It's a pretty established pattern. One that I'd like to break without having to medicate myself into submission.

So that's the merry go round in action. I got it slowed down just enough to look around at the world going by & waiting for the right moment to hop off.

Barbie zombie makeover!