Keeping a diary supports personal development

I have been keeping journals since the age of 12, on & off. Mostly on. Not always regularly, but in pretty consistent spurts. Because I've been doing it do long I can't say for certain whether it has ENCOURAGED my personal development, but it has definitely supported it.

Over all the years and phases I've gone through I've recorded almost everything about myself - for good or ill. Mostly I've recorded ill. But the gift I've gotten from all the bitching, complaining, bemoaning, grieving, and occasional celebrating is PERSPECTIVE. I can't necessarily pick out exact moments of growth but I can see over time the progress to becoming the person I am at this moment. And a moment from now I'll be ever so slightly different.

Personal development is a recurring theme in my life at the moment. Specifically, "what is my purpose in life?" I have no idea, and I'm truly bothered that I have no idea. I frequently feel like a directionless slob. I can find fulfillment in my job if I'm focused & grateful and cognizant of the fact that it does line up with my values concerning security & safety. My boss & peers are supportive & collaborative. But mostly I'm miserable and constantly feel shame that I resent having to work a corporate day job. What makes me so damn special that I should be entitled to anything more?

What I really crave is creatively fulfilling work. But I also yearn for steady, gainful compensation. I fantasize about having both but I have absolutely NO idea what I would do or how to make it materialize.

I decided after hearing the tag line I used as the title and subject of this post that I'll jump back into keeping a diary like I used to. I'll vent and purge and repeat myself over & over until I get so sick of myself I'll start moving in a different direction.

I have a whole series of self-imposed barriers that are holding me back and making me miserable. Lately the biggest obstacle has been periods of depression. Not like sadness & self pity, but like exhaustion and feeling completely overwhelmed and unable to get off the couch. Also I noticed in the last year that I have a terrible attention span and inability to focus and get things done. I could blame it on the passing of my father in law 6 weeks ago, or my mother in law 11 months before that, or my grandma's passing 14 months before that... While grieving is a valid reasons to be down, I tend to be down whether people are passing or not. It's a pretty established pattern. One that I'd like to break without having to medicate myself into submission.

So that's the merry go round in action. I got it slowed down just enough to look around at the world going by & waiting for the right moment to hop off.