GIMMMEEEEE PRESENTS!

I love Christmas. This is the first year in a decade where I have been able to buy gifts for my family--it was SO fun! I did all my shopping on Saturday, having just been pounded with six inches of snow. I left the car at home and walked to all the shops in my neighborhood, and I gotta tell ya, that was definitely the way to go. The commercial district is accident prone on a normal day, and this kind of weather just brings out the worst in people behind the wheel. Winter storm drivers consist of three types: the overly cautious who cause backups and piss people off, the SUV drivers who want to prove to everyone that their vehicle can handle the snow so they drive more recklessly than usual, and then the rest of us defensive drivers with our eyes wide open trying to avoid accidents!

I enjoyed walking around bundled up like a dork with my messenger bag slung on my back, a chai latte in my right hand and a huge roll of wrapping paper in my left tromping through the snow and slipping in the icy road. I like winter when it's not chap-your-ass-cold, a little brisk air is nice.

When I got home I started wrapping--what a mess. My packages always look like they were wrapped by a blindfolded six year old. Well, maybe not that bad, but I sure wish I knew how to do it right. I guess it all ends up in the trash bin at the end of the day anyway. I'm hoping my gifts aren't as lame as my wrap jobs--I wouldn't want those to end up in the trash at the end of the day too!

I'm at work right now, and I am SO bored. Nobody's calling because they're all out Christmas-ing, I don't even know why we're open after the market closes at noon. All the calls we're getting are from the poor saps stuck in the office transfering money between accounts because their clients don't know how to get on the damn computer and do it themselves. When will they learn you gotta teach a man to fish? But then I suppose we'd be out of a job.

Speaking of poor saps stuck at work, I hope the grocery store is open by the time I get home, I still gotta cook something for tomorrow. Damn, I'm boring. I'm boring myself!

Stop! Theif!

I can't make Hubby quit stealing my laundry quarters! AAAARRRGGGG! Every payday for the last three months I've been the one getting rolls of quarters to wash, I'll buy tow, three, FOUR rolls at at time and tell him, "THESE are yours, these are MINE. You have enough, so leave mine alone." But every damn time he runs out, he uses mine!

And he only runs out because he won't put his clothes away and they sit in a basket and after three days he doesn't remember which basket is clean or dirty and starts throwing everything together. About 50% of each load he washes is shit that is already clean. What a waste!

So this week I got wise... or so I thought... he was out of quarters, I had half a roll left. I put them on the buffet away from everything, and I said, "Babe!" I said, "Look here, these are mine, I need them don't take them," and he said, "Oh, ok, those are yours, fine I won't use em."

Then the next day I put together a load and... WTF... "WHERE ARE MY QUARTERS THAT I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH!" "They're here... here..." as he's scrounging all over the house for quarters left from his many coin deposits that he ferrets around the place. Great, got 'em back, washed a load, had some to spare, and told him just HOW much it bothers me when MY stuff goes missing that he has no business taking.

Last night I left work and thought as I was walking, mmmm, I should go to the bank for quarters... No, wait! I have a couple loads-worth left at home. Got home, NO LAUNDRY MONEY. HE STRUCK AGAIN!!!!!!!!! He took the same goddamn quarters a second time, AFTER I told him that it really pisses me off! WTF IS WRONG WITH THE MAN'S HEAD! I'm sitting at work wearing dirty pants, and poorly-fitting undies that are trying to migrate across my left butt cheek into my crevice. Thus, I am DISPLEASED to say the least!

We had a text fight about it while I rode to work and he was trying to make it out like I was just crabby and shouldn't take it out on him-- bull shit! I am crabby because I don't have anything I wanted to wear clean! AND MY PANTIES ARE INVADING MY PRIVACY!

I am going to HIDE my next roll of quarters, let his funky ass wear dirty clothes to work! Compulsive laundry money stealer!!!!!!

Listening In

When I was 20, my boyfriend's band mate Crane had this paid-under-the-table freelance psuedo-social work gig. Some wealthy couple had a son with a low IQ, Autism and Asbergers, and they wanted him to be properly socialized. His self esteem was suffering and was starting to get into trouble.

Crane was paid to cart this kid Sam around with him in his Geo a couple days a week during his normal off-work activities. He came to band practice, out to eat, to the bank, the grocery store, wherever. Why these richie parents charged a dread-head guitar playing opium smoker with the safekeeping of their only child I'll never know, but it sure says a lot about our public school system's programs.

Anyway, a few years later I started seeing him around, riding my same busses. He was socialized alright--just like Crane, he hit on everything that moved and prattled on forever about nothing and everything. I decided to avoid eye contact whenever I noticed him coming my way. Well lately, he's been on the bus I take to work (still avoiding eye contact by the way). I just so happened to forget my earphones, and Sam just happened to squeeze into the seat between me and someone else, and also happened to be chattering away with some middle-aged office-type lady.

But it wasn't so bad eavesdropping and finding out a little bit of what he's been doing all this time. He graduated from high school and went to tech school, but the cooking program proved to be too much. He's got a job, he's got a girlfriend, and the girlfriend's got a job. His parents retired early and sail around the world. They take him on vacation sometimes. He said that he's starting to get more sensitive as he gets older and cries at movies now, and he's reading a book called "Heart Song" that makes him cry too.

I hadn't ever wondered about it on my own, but it's nice to know things are working out for him.

Pet Peeves

I generally don't like to have too many peeves as pets, but this time of year they seem to be running rampant.

For instance, I live in Minnesota...where it's freezing cold...and it snows. Every other citizen drives a 4wd SUV. Yet when the snow starts coming down, everyone freaks out. Like yesterday, it snowed maybe three to four inches and all of downtown was brought to a screeching halt. When I got to my bus stop there were like 250 people piled up on the sidewalk and huddled in building entryways, and not one single bus came for 45 minutes (normally there is one every single minute during rush hour), and traffic was almost stopped. Then, slowly, a few busses started coming down the road, but they were so packed full they couldn't fit anymore people and just drove on past. And MY BUS?? It was TWO HOURS late. Are you KIDDING me??!!!

Jesus H Cripes. I get it that weather causes delays, but two hours? Come on, that's just poor city planning. Is it too much to ask for bus only lanes that will just shoot straight through the DT zone? Yes, of course it is because that would interfere with ability of selfish single car drivers to get through town in first gear polluting the shit out of the environment. Assholes! I am still overcome with the urge to go on a sub-zero car-egging spree. The lesson won't be apparent, but I will smile inside as I see them driving around with frozen egg that'll be there till fucking spring.

My other pet peeves are mass-commuter related. It's about consideration, y'all!
Weird lady in pink stirrup panst: If you are crammed up against someone, resist the urge to squirm and fidget--that's just nasty! I don't want to know if you have panty-crickets and a rash, SIT STILL.

Mr. Busdriver: I realize your job is low-status and frustrating, but you've got a cake route driving us downtown commuters. No drunks, no bums, no armed teenage riff-raff. So how about being nice to riders? I know you think you ARE being nice, but your condescension is thinly veiled. Yes, probably every rider on this bitch makes a better living than you, but you don't have to be an ass and tell everyone "Good job! Good Job!" as they swipe their cards across the touch-and-go.

Tall fat creepy guy who looks like a kiddie-porn fiend: For the love of God buy some clothes that fit across your protruding belly. Everyone can see that furry shit hanging out from under your jacket whose zipper is straining FAR beyond what it was designed to handle. I'm surprised you haven't gottent frostbit there yet.

Mr. Busy-guy: Keep it down over there! The less I know about your personal life the happier I am. This bus ride only lasts 15 minutes, ya think that call could WAIT? Not one of our lives has been made better knowing what your new girlfriend and her pals wants to do for her birthday.

Mouse-y blond chick: Are you aware that you have not altered your wardrobe in about FIFTEEN years? Which is probably about how long ago you graduated high school... Even I--queen of underdressing for work--know that you cannot wear cotton MC Hammer pants to work. ESPECIALLY if you're going to TUCK THE HEMS INTO YOUR WHITE SPORT SOCKS. With sneakers. Topped with a black suede jacket five sizes too big with football player shoulder pads and a tapered hem. The dinky leather backpack purse is a nice venture forward, but unfortunately it will only get you so far, 1997 to be exact. That Cost Cutters bob haircut is ALMOST art-house chic, with no layers and severe bangs... Mmmm, no.

Middle-class white lady: Get your goddamn tote bag OUT of my face, it smells like mildew.

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE KEEP DRIVING TO WORK DOWNTOWN AND MAKING MY BUS TWO HOURS LATE!