Ohhhh the IRONY...

I have been selected by my boss to participate in mock calls to help train new overseas associates! the directive is to be PUSHY, DISORGANIZED, DEMANDING. Hahaha! How absolutely DELICIOUS! Although, the directive does specifically say we are not to bring any of the agents to tears. Boooo! Thumbs down! I'm excited to act out all the shitty calls I get each week, it will be cathartic.

I had a party!

Hubby and I have never been able to entertain before so this is a huge deal! Here's why: our first place together was big and ugly, the space was akward, the traffic was loud, and we had just two horrid hand-me-down armchairs for seating. Plenty of room for standing around if you didn't mind shuffling through the mail and newspapers all over the floor. We were stuck there for two years because we couldn't save up to move. We also were late on the rent every month for almost two years so they wouldn't renew our lease. Still broke, we rented an extra bedroom form a family friend for three months. Couldn't really entertain in a 10 by 10 foot bedroom piled with boxes. Then we moved into a one-bedroom, but it was 300 square feet and we only had a love seat to sit on. We did try to have people over there, but we'd go cross-eyed from having to look at each other so close. I wish I was exaggerating.

Now we have the most awesome place on earth with a furnished sunroom, living room and dining room to hang out in, so having people over totally rocks! I had a birthday party for myself with Hubby, mom and her hubby, and my married brother and his wifey. It was fun! I got presents and chocolate cake, I fed them gourmet veggie pizzas, and red wine got spilled all over the place, it was totally great!

Dear Britney,

My heart goes out to you for the terrible time you've been having. As if it weren't bad enough not knowing your up from your down, you're stalked 24/7 by the paparazzi salivating to get a shot of you in just such an upside-down moment. It's gotten so bad that it seems from the outside that you don't even know that you have the right to some privacy, what with you shacking up with a notorious heart-breaking paparazzo who, by the way, has publicly referred to you as his "meal ticket."

What I'm trying to say is, you need a time out. No more low-speed chases and running red lights and crashing into other peoples' expensive vehicles. I know that staying indoors is excruciatingly boring, especially when you are so used to having an entourage and 100 noisy, clamoring photogs pushing you in every direction. Even so, you definitely need some down time.

Being that this is next to impossible for you to accomplish right this moment, I have some good suggetions on taking the heat off--you may not like them, but here goes... If there's one thing the paps have NO interest in, it's a fat girl. Put down the exercise videos and lay off your trainer. No one fades into Hollywood obscurity faster than an overweight woman. I'm not suggesting you sacrifice your health, just relax your standards a little. If you're REALLY feeling inspired, put out a truly terrible "experimental" album. If you don't know what I mean, give Diamanda Galas a call, she's probably listed (not to be confused with Diamante and Galant which are made by Mitzubishi, which you also may not have heard of).

Like magic you will be much less photogenic, your head will bring a lower price and there will be fewer paps. Of course the die-hards that want to watch you completely flip out will still be hanging around, so what you can do to lose them would be to be a super-boring, normal-26-year-old-mom-of-two type. Wear underwear, lose the extensions and the "gentelmen's club" blonde. Ditch the enormous sunglasses (SOoo 2006 anyway, right?) Go to your court hearings for Pete's sake, those babies need their mommy. And finally, obey the traffic laws.... and.... TAH-DAH!! You will have enough physical space to work out whatever is going haywire in your mental space. It may not be intuitive, but sometimes the best course is the change how you act in order to change how you think.

Daily Grind, Finger Weapons, and Happy B-Day 2 Me

I can't believe I haven't blogged in like 800 years. I've got my daily routing nailed down so tight I wonder when I'm going to snap. I don't even have time to fuck around between calls at work anymore! Do they expect me to WORK for every PENNY? Jeez.

I never thought I'd be such a creature of habit, but since I've been on the weight loss wagon I'm a slave to my schedule. At work I barely get enough break time to eat and pee throughout the day, and at home I have just enough time each day to exercise, eat, address hygeine issues, and sleep. I haven't even plucked my eyebrows in three weeks and I look like a werewolf. I somehow had time to file my nails last week, though I don't know why since I've been clipping them completely off for years now. I guess it was because I hadn't even had time to clip 'em and they grew really long and mangled looking and I somewhere stumbled across a filing/buffing board I didn't know I had and I was overtired and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But now the edges are curling over and I'm afraid I'm gonna poke out my eye.

The upshot this grueling, unrelenting routine is that as of this morning I have lost 21 pounds. I was in a holding pattern for almost all of January and I was getting pissed off, but I finally busted through it. Now I'm aaaaalmost back on track to where I projected I'd be by now. I wanted to be 221 by my birthday--the 15th--so I think I'll be pretty close.

On the 15th I will be 33. I will also be in Chicago! Fuckin sweet! My sister owns a condo there and I guess she lives in kind of a hoity-toity area, I'm excited to see it. She's lived out there for like five years and I've never gone out to visit her. Not because I'm an asshole, but because I've been so damn broke. It's nice to be able to travel a little finally.

Wanna see what I got myself for my birthday? I added to my tattoo!



Here's the before...