Loony At the Mall: An Exerpt from Real Life

[Curtain rises on a dark stage. Lights come up slowly revealing a small clothing shop in Anymall, U.S.A. At stage left stands a tired-looking young woman, stylishly dressed, behind a counter shuffling papers and running computer reports. The clock reads 8:00 p.m.

[Enter stage right, three people: an overweight seventeen year old girl dressed in a black velour track suit and scruffy, dirty hair. Next, her seventeen year old boyfriend wearing saggy jeans around his knees, long tee-shirt, and hair in braids poking off his head. Third, a frumpy woman in her early fifties, overweight, with short shaggy hair poorly dyed with highlights, giving the effect of a brindle-colored dog. She also has three days' growth of facial hair.]

Girl: [Flitting from rack to rack]...Yeah well it would be easier to shop if I weren't PREGNANT...[mumble, ad-lib]...y'know, 'cause I'm PREGNANT [blah blah] PREGNANT...
[Boy and Woman point out garments, give comments. Shopkeeper approaches.]
Shopkeeper: [Forced cheerfulness] Hi there! How are you all doing tonight?
Shoppers: [without looking at Shopkeeper] Fine, fine. We're looking...
Shopkeeper: Great, well if you need anything you just let me know.
Shoppers: Sure, ok.
[Shopkeeper resumes shuffling and organizing counter for a few moments. Girl is stage right, Boy and Woman stage left]
Woman: PSSST! [Urgent whisper] Hey, come over here I need your help. [Shopkeeper approaches.]
Shopkeeper: Yes, what can I do for you?
Woman: Quick, [Backing up into a display and knocking clothes off of their hangers.] I want to get this for my niece before she sees me. [Glances briefly at the mess without acknowledging it.] I want it to be a surprise.
[Shopkeeper bends down gathering sleep wear and begins to rehang.]
Shopkeeper: Oh, sure. What was it you wanted to get her?
Woman: This! [Pulls out a glitzy black negligee with red glitter hearts with matching sequined g-string panty.] What size does she wear?
Shopkeeper: Uh, I don't have any way of knowing--
Boy: [Interrupts] Forty two double "d." That's what she wears.
Woman: Oh yes, of course you would know. [To shopkeeper.] Ok, now bring it up to the register, I want to pay for it before she notices.
Shopkeeper: Ok, sure.
[Both walk to cash wrap counter, Boy goes over to distract Girl]
Woman: I'm buying this for my niece, that's my niece over there.
Shopkeeper: Oh?
Woman: Yeah, I met her once when she was three, and didn't see her again until TODAY. And I've never been to the Mall of America before either.
Shopkeeper: Oh, nice. Is she your brother's daughter, or your sister's?
Woman: No, she's my niece.
Shopkeeper: [Confused tone.] Yes...so is she your brother's daughter or your sister's?
Woman: Oh! She's my sister's, she sold her to some black people for heroin!
Shopkeeper: [Stunned silence.] Uhhhm, holy crap- [Discontinues eye contact.]
Woman: -Yeah, so I never saw her until today.
Shopkeeper: Uh, that'll be forty four dollars please.
[Woman presents a credit card.]
Shopkeeper: Can I see an ID?
Woman: Sure, here you go. [Passes over identification.]
Shopkeeper: [Studies identification, checks it against the credit card, and hands it back without looking at Woman.] Thanks. Ok, you're all set, would you like the receipt in the bag, or with you?
Woman: I'll take it.
Shopkeeper: Thanks, have a good night now. [Turns away and walks toward stage left.]
Woman: [Steps into Shopkeeper's path.] Didja see my watch?? [Hikes up coat sleeve to show the wristwatch.]
Shopkeeper: Nope, I didn't.
Woman: Isn't it nice?
Shopkeeper: Yeah, it's nice-
[Boy and Girl
Woman: I got it at Wal-Mart for nineteen ninety nine. It was supposed to be fifty two dollars but they marked it wrong and they had to give it to me for nineteen ninety nine because that's what it was marked as.
Shopkeeper: [Obviously annoyed] Good deal. Well, you guys have a nice night now.
[Woman, Girl, and Boy exit stage right. Lights go down.]
END.